The Art of Losing a Guy in 10 Minutes

Sure, Kate Hudson helped us all with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but what if you require a quicker turnaround time on the loss?

 Here is what I recommend (proven method):

1. Put on a really tall pair of pink rain boots... in California.. when it is not raining... (with the special note that in California, when it rains it is more of a refreshing mist than droplets or liquid that actually gets you wet...  just owning these 1.5 foot tall boots may be enough, but if not, proceed to Step 2).

2. Do a little dance. In my case it was in response to "I am not sure if I want to be seen with you in those boots" and it was accompanied by an antagonistic (yet catchy in the mainstream pop kind of way) "Oh yes you do....." song.

3. Warn everyone you meet of the impending flash flood. Particularly effective:  Glance down at someone's feet and say "Oh no! You are going to get all wet!" or simply offer well wishes such as "I hope you make it!'

Viola. You get to remain single. 

The Art of Tracking Quotes of the Day (circa 2006)

"No, it's fashion disaster day." ~Athena, after she asked me to borrow some of my clothes tomorrow and I asked "Why? Is it hideous clothing day?", Oct 25th.

"Yes, but making fun of you takes a lot of energy." -Athena, after she claimed that AM Yoga was the reason she was so tired and I pointed out that she doesn't even do it with me, Oct 24th.

"JADE!! Mom's doing AM Yoga; in others words: Mom making an idiot out of herself at an hour she doesn't need to."  ~Athena, Oct 23rd.

"What the FUCK!!! Why the hell would I write that I was patient?!?" ~Athena, reading the Spanish translation of her biography, Oct 15th.

"Now you're the idiot in the yellow sweater." ~Jade to Athena, just after Athena borrowed my sweater, Oct 14th.

"You are permanent." ~Singh, commenting on my ever-well state, Oct 13th.

"I have no clue what you are talking about, but your imagination ranges supreme." ~Jesse, Oct 13th.

"But, if you decide to be not seeing that person that you are seeing, and might consider seeing this person that you are not currently seeing, that would be pretty great." ~Matthew, Oct 11th.

The Art of Hiking on a Whim, Getting Lost, & Hitching a Ride

In in attempt to kill time while the kids were off doing their thing, I recalled a nearby nature trail. Sure I was in my business clothes and heels (guess who rolled out of bed to throw on the clothes from the day before?), but it was a gorgeous day. And since the nature trail was near a school, in addition to ignoring the rather large NEVER HIKE ALONE sign, I presumed the trail would be a simple loop... You know... something straightforward for the kids. Wherever I came upon a fork, I chose the more interesting route. In retrospect I can concede that  *maybe* that downed tree was blocking that particular branch of the trail for a reason.

To my dismay, my trail did not loop, it ended.

So I had to walk through the woods (meaning like in LOST, when they are pioneering a new path), up and down a ridge, hug a tree (but dam, we all know I am a tree hugger anyway), & spin myself down to the highway.  Yep, the highway. Which one? I could not tell.

After hurling myself into traffic I hitched a ride with a guy in a "Poop Away" car. [People who criticized my hitching got this response: Would a psycho killer really be driving around in a Poop Away car? Like seriously, if that was a serial killers gig, then fine... kudos, you got me. Good one.]

I showed up to get the kids precisely on time. I believe they said "You're exactly on time!" to which I said "What? Did you think I would get lost hiking and have to spin myself off of a tree, down a ridge, onto a highway, and hitch a ride in the Poop Away car? Sheesh!"