The Art of Meeting a New Class for the First Time

Show up early. Wow, killer advice fucker, thinks you.


HANG



IN



THERE

We just established that it's early (if only in your mind), so linger in the hall. Ah, a familiar face emerges from the room, let's place it....

Why, it's the life guard from the country club! As you walk into your classroom she says:

"It's so odd to see you--"

"--with all my clothes on?" You helpfully finish her awkward sentence just as you find yourself face-to-face with all your brand new students.

The Art of Losing a Guy in 10 Minutes

Sure, Kate Hudson helped us all with How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but what if you require a quicker turnaround time on the loss?

 Here is what I recommend (proven method):

1. Put on a really tall pair of pink rain boots... in California.. when it is not raining... (with the special note that in California, when it rains it is more of a refreshing mist than droplets or liquid that actually gets you wet...  just owning these 1.5 foot tall boots may be enough, but if not, proceed to Step 2).

2. Do a little dance. In my case it was in response to "I am not sure if I want to be seen with you in those boots" and it was accompanied by an antagonistic (yet catchy in the mainstream pop kind of way) "Oh yes you do....." song.

3. Warn everyone you meet of the impending flash flood. Particularly effective:  Glance down at someone's feet and say "Oh no! You are going to get all wet!" or simply offer well wishes such as "I hope you make it!'

Viola. You get to remain single. 

The Art of Tracking Quotes of the Day (circa 2006)

"No, it's fashion disaster day." ~Athena, after she asked me to borrow some of my clothes tomorrow and I asked "Why? Is it hideous clothing day?", Oct 25th.

"Yes, but making fun of you takes a lot of energy." -Athena, after she claimed that AM Yoga was the reason she was so tired and I pointed out that she doesn't even do it with me, Oct 24th.

"JADE!! Mom's doing AM Yoga; in others words: Mom making an idiot out of herself at an hour she doesn't need to."  ~Athena, Oct 23rd.

"What the FUCK!!! Why the hell would I write that I was patient?!?" ~Athena, reading the Spanish translation of her biography, Oct 15th.

"Now you're the idiot in the yellow sweater." ~Jade to Athena, just after Athena borrowed my sweater, Oct 14th.

"You are permanent." ~Singh, commenting on my ever-well state, Oct 13th.

"I have no clue what you are talking about, but your imagination ranges supreme." ~Jesse, Oct 13th.

"But, if you decide to be not seeing that person that you are seeing, and might consider seeing this person that you are not currently seeing, that would be pretty great." ~Matthew, Oct 11th.

The Art of Hiking on a Whim, Getting Lost, & Hitching a Ride

In in attempt to kill time while the kids were off doing their thing, I recalled a nearby nature trail. Sure I was in my business clothes and heels (guess who rolled out of bed to throw on the clothes from the day before?), but it was a gorgeous day. And since the nature trail was near a school, in addition to ignoring the rather large NEVER HIKE ALONE sign, I presumed the trail would be a simple loop... You know... something straightforward for the kids. Wherever I came upon a fork, I chose the more interesting route. In retrospect I can concede that  *maybe* that downed tree was blocking that particular branch of the trail for a reason.

To my dismay, my trail did not loop, it ended.

So I had to walk through the woods (meaning like in LOST, when they are pioneering a new path), up and down a ridge, hug a tree (but dam, we all know I am a tree hugger anyway), & spin myself down to the highway.  Yep, the highway. Which one? I could not tell.

After hurling myself into traffic I hitched a ride with a guy in a "Poop Away" car. [People who criticized my hitching got this response: Would a psycho killer really be driving around in a Poop Away car? Like seriously, if that was a serial killers gig, then fine... kudos, you got me. Good one.]

I showed up to get the kids precisely on time. I believe they said "You're exactly on time!" to which I said "What? Did you think I would get lost hiking and have to spin myself off of a tree, down a ridge, onto a highway, and hitch a ride in the Poop Away car? Sheesh!"

the art of changing someone's life an not knowing it

it was another day, another sucky day, another day that would go in and out like any other. but wait, there it was: a curious eMail. an eMail i should surely delete, what the hell was this? a recruiter? a job? a VIDEO related job? 2 hrs outside of chicago? for a fortune 500 company?

jade loves chicago! i love video!  we could establish residency and have lots of video-tastic fun.

so the 1st phone interview was promising. it would be over 85K. lots of perks. holy crap, this could work out, i could be giving 2 WEEKS NOTICE and leaving this life behind.

so it all changed. the light went on at the end of the tunnel. i always knew the light was there, but now i could actually see it.

and now that i saw it, i could not forget that i saw it.

so i prepped as best that i could. i produced a couple of pieces that would be a better representation of what  can do. i felt alive. i danced. i sang. i never felt alive and sang and danced. but there i was: happy. alive. dancing! singing!

and so, i knew i had to leave. i didn't get the 85K+ job that was 2 hrs outside of chicago, but i did not need that job to leave.

and so, i found my way and found out that there was a lot more fun stuff to come my way. lots and lots of cool things, and just because i wanted them... just because i saw that light and could not put it out.. and just because i felt alive again and did not want to forget that feeling either.

xo

the art of trying to understand....

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-will-it-be-like-when-you-die.html

this is cool. i am trying to think of all possible channels now, like being awake, sleeping, lucid dreaming, and being dead... and how would you categorize these? as conscious + awake and in-body, unconscious + asleep and in-body, conscious + asleep and in-body.. and is there unconscious + out of body verses conscious and out of body? i am so baffled and yet excited. i like this perspective of "changing the channel" and look forward to seeing some souls on the other side... or another station.. or whatever.

The Art of Sounding Really Convincing

Athena has a way of sounding like she knows, 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt, what she is talking about. Whether giving directions, citing facts, or proclaiming ownership... no matter how many times I have been snowed, it sounds JUST SO BELIEVABLE.

So she came back from Fiji and told me that the #1 cause of death there was:

Getting hit in the head with a coconut.

One day, I decide to share this with my intelligent co-worker.... and I hear these same words coming out of my mouth, and yet I cannot stop them from coming out of my mouth.

So another co-worker (also intelligent, but armed with Google) AIMS me a link just as I complete my last word:

coconut.

#1 Cause of death = heart attack.

"Well of course it is," I say. "You just got hit on the head with a coconut and no one is around to help you!!"

The Art of Meeting Your Favorite Author

You are walking through the various booths at the dealer's room. You stop at the one that has cute stuffed animals. The first words out of your mouth "Oooh, do you have a platypus? Like Perry the Platypus?" A nice lady, that you thought worked there, starts telling you how Toys 'R Us has a Perry the Platypus that starts out as Perry, then you can turn it inside out and it becomes Agent P.

Meanwhile, the girls who really works there is demoing a cool spider stuffed animal/puppet that you put your fingers in to move the legs. A voice from outside is loudly singing "Spider hands, spider hands, does what ever a spider can..." you turn around to smile and notice it is your favorite author. So instead you suavely blurt out "Oh my God I love you!" He smiles and says "I never know how to answer that. I can't say come back to my room since she's standing there." Points to platypus lady.

He goes into the booth, and the first question he asks is "Do you have a platypus?" You continue talking to the lady. You tell your kids that he's your favorite author, Peter David. The nice lady telling you about the Perry doll raises her hand and says "Yes, and I'm Mrs. David."

The Art of Being Retroactively Proactive

I just opened up an IRA account. My dad helped me out.

Me: This is great, opening a Roth IRA is on my Long Term Goal List for 2010.

Dad: Actually, because you are setting this up before you submit your taxes, it'll count for 2009.

Me: Awesome! That makes me retroactively proactive!